Regret
by sleep learning
Summary: After Reno drops the plate, the blame is passed between two broken people.


Disclaimer: of course I don't own it. I'm not even creative enough to give a witty disclaimer, so it's very doubtful I created an entire franchise...

_AN: takes place after the plate falls, and even though Rufus isn't technically in charge yet, lets think that the loyalty of the Turks is more Rufus orientated, because we like him more than his stupid daddy anyways…_

***

Nobody looks at him. Even as hands help him into the helicopter, even as he swears with bleeding lips and has his wounds tended to. All ability to communicate seems to have fallen with the plate.

Reno had imagined the pity he would receive in their eyes, had braced himself for the awkward attempts at consolation. Instead he is faced with a wall of fear. No one knows how to handle the situation, and he wonders briefly if they had expected him to fail, die trying or… give a last minute refusal.

He drew the short straw; it could have been any of them. Reno convinces himself that they all believe it was easier for him. He wants to scream at them how much it hurt, he wants to pull to the side of the street and throw up his guts. Let everything out until there's nothing more than an empty shell.

He makes a few untimely jokes, moves his body erratically and generally shocks his peers with the manic expression on his face.

There's a lightness in his body, as if his soul is quietly detaching itself from him. He stretches a hand out, imagining some intangible wisps rising through his fingers. He thought he'd lost his innocence years ago, as a child witnessing the truth of the world too soon. But there is a lesson only today could have taught; that there was still something small, yet still pure, there was still a tiny trace of hope and innocence in the Turk that morning. And now it is gone. Falling with the helpless people of the sector below them.

It's as if reality has been blow away with the countless bodies. Everything feels tight with suspense and time changes from agonizingly slow to rapid and surreal, and Reno feels disorientated.

One minute he is throwing up in the office bathroom, so quickly it appears comical and he laughs at the sickly display in the sink. The reflection beside him is a horror show of reddened eyes and tangled hair, staring back at Reno with surprise and then disgust. His fist breaks through the glass, his sneering brother disappearing in the spider web pattern of reflective shards.

Now he is waiting in the lounge, and he snaps out of thought as Rude takes his coffee cup away from him. He's been letting the near boiling drink spill onto his slacks without even noticing.

The door to Rufus' office is opening and time slows to unbearable standards. Reno is ushered in, though Rufus refuses to meet his eyes. He smells strongly of coffee and wonders if Rufus will notice.

The dimensions in the office seem warped, though the furniture and setup hasn't changed. He wonders why he never noticed before how much space was on the floor. It seems useless really; it's enough to fit three bodies. _Bodies. He had turned people into bodies._

Reno admires the blankness of the ceiling, smiling absently. It was a wise decision to lie on the floor, because his legs feel weak and the ground is shifting uncontrollably beneath him. The smell of coffee and the buzzing in his ears are making him sick again. A brief interlude in his mind takes him back to earlier in the bathroom and Rude holding him like a broken puppet, brushing his teeth and bandaging his knuckles.

Reno lifts his heavy arms up, which swing weightlessly when they reach perfect straightness. He can see the bandages Rude placed their earlier, along with angry crescent shaped lines. His own nails, pushed hard into his skin.

Rufus is wandering around the room, but Reno can't see him. He curls onto his side, the buzzing louder. A leg walks by his face, expensive leather shoes, light brown and creased lightly. Rufus is pacing, agitated, because Reno is lying on his floor, slowly dying. He moans; a long drawn out sound that gurgles and flows shamelessly. The pacing feet are something to focus on; the steady and constant movement draws his attention from the aching feeling in his chest. Reno waits for Rufus to talk, curling tighter into a ball.

He'd take a bullet for this man, but right now he's the one bleeding on the floor and while he waits for Rufus to take away the pain, Reno watches more of his life ebb away.

He must have drifted into sleep, because the shifting weight of a body beside him has Reno opening his eyes. Rufus has joined him on the floor, and Reno wants to tell him it was a wise move, but his words have left him. Rufus is curling in too, he probably thinks Reno has the right idea.

His face is grim, his young features scrunching in the glimpse of what age will bring. A leg reaches out and Reno catches it between his own, so that they are intertwined. A shaking hand takes hold of his face, tracing his cheekbones and smothering his skin in reverence.

The look on Rufus' face is pitiful. His eyes have never looked so young, so sad and lost.

A sudden uprising of anger geysers in his throat and spills out into the air, because there is no way in hell he can bear the look Rufus is giving him. He doesn't want sadness for company, he wants outright misery, shame and hate. If Rufus is going to blame himself, Reno will make sure he goes all the way.

He sneers, because the lost boy look in front of him brings out the bully.

"Was it worth it?"

The hand stops its soothing motion, and Rufus manages to make his face even more despicable. But Reno is out for blood.

"This empire of shit? For fucks sake Rufus…"

There are tears in eyes, but Rufus refuses to break contact. It seems ridiculous that between the two of them, it is Rufus who will do the crying. He opens his mouth but Reno beats him to it.

"Don't tell me you regret it. Don't you dare fucking say it. You do that and you make today in vain"

He can feel the thoughts of the boy –because that is what he has become- in front of him. Of all the words to hear, the pity, scorn or disgust, Reno cannot handle an apology, he cannot have someone take away the meaning. Without reasoning for what he did, the transformation into a monster will be complete.

Rufus tries again, his hand threading into the tangled hair.

"Do not take this away from me"

Reno's voice cracks, breathing in deeply as his body begins to shake. Rufus is trembling too. The first tear to break away –from a blue so sweet, a colour Reno loves- rolls quickly over a cheekbone, sliding down Rufus' face so smoothly, as if it understands what its existence means, that it holds the complete attention of the only two people to bear witness to it.

"I'll beat people, for my own vindication. I'll kill people for my job. But… I did _this_ for you. It's not your company yet, but after this fuckup, it's only a matter of time before it's all gona be yours"

The pain in his chest tightens, his eyes sting and he both feels and hears the choking sobs as Rufus burries his head under Reno's chin.

"You can disappear all you want. I'm still here"

Rufus whispers, so low and confused, and the statement itself almost leaves Reno speechless.

"What have I done…"

"You? You did nothing. You sat behind a fucking desk…"

Rufus grips him tighter as Reno leave a chaste kiss on his temple.

"I don't want to be here."

Another whisper, which becomes his mantra, until Reno can no longer bear it and steals his words with another kiss. Rufus' reaction is immediate, clinging tightly with his entire body. There is no grace in the way their tongues meet, their lips overlapping and teeth tearing. Reno is forceful and dominating, pushing himself onto Rufus and setting the pace for the both of them. The warmth building between them is like a beacon for life, and their roaming hands appear more like a fight than a demonstration of love.

Reno tears their clothes from the both of them, as if he can pull the shame and despair away with the rumpled clothing. His tongue collides with pale skin, and he covers Rufus with his body, sucking and sliding and caressing in a manner both harsh and worshipping. It's as if he hopes to lick away the pain, and he deludes himself with the idea that he can, until each inch of skin has been purged. But the pain wont leave Rufus' eyes, and he knows, that no touch can reach his soul, not if Rufus doesn't let him.

The arms that steady him as he pushes in are shaking, and as Reno is surrounded in the welcoming heat of Rufus' body, he feels a ripple inside of himself. He is a close as he can be, but it won't drive away the loneliness. He pulls out quickly, thrusting back in in a demanding pace while their hands entwine. Their hips meet first in aggression, then a sensuous dance as Rufus rises up to meet Reno, heels pressing into his thighs in an effort to be closer. Each time Reno finds himself falling into darkness, the sweet and heavy breaths against his neck bring him back. The buzzing in his ears is drowned out by the painful moans between them. The erratic sighs and stifled sobs wash over him, his rhythm slowing as he looses composure. He cries out briefly as he comes, falling onto Rufus like a child. He is crying still. Naked, sweating and damaged, he feels like a new born baby, brought into a world he doesn't want, momentarily comforted by a protective embrace.

Long after Rufus falls asleep, the sky outside is dark, swallowing both the hopeful stars and the dooming smoke from earlier fires.

Reno tucks a strand of golden hair behind Rufus' hair, but the other man doesn't respond.

He whispers, face leaning into the pale skin of Rufus' chest.

"I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared. It's eating away at me. And when I stop being so fucking scared, there's gonna be nothing left."

He can hear the steady beat of a heart, so close to his own, and it both soothes and frightens him.

"I don't want loose the ability to feel"

His eyes shut tightly, his lips trembling in confession.

"I don't wanna be alone. I don't wanna wake up every morning to the memory of screams and explosions. But I don't want to wake up to nothing either."


End file.
